Mickey Z
Cool Observer
Monday, January 02, 2006
The Age of the Lost Astonishment
Me first...oh wow.
Another lovely, cloudless spring day...in the dead of winter...but at least it’s not flooding or freezing!
Joe, I hope you and Suzanne are making it alright. Looks like just more rain for a while.
Jim, from last night: Jesus of Montreal is one of those films that makes a huge impression on its audience. I’ve never seen it, but I’ve also never met anyone who has who isn’t a convert.
RMJ, from last night: Cross-country fun in an elderly Studebaker, and from Texas to Pennsylvania as the cub of a pack of truckin’ wolves. You haven’t just sat on it, have you? Been out makin’ memories...one would expect nothing less, of course, that’s how interesting people behave.
Posted by Mudge on from Dear, dead Austin 01/02 at 09:58 AMHello Mudge. I’m not astonished to find things slow here today. Hope everyone is making the most of this bonus holiday (and dry wishes to Joe and Suzanne). Michele and I are heading out now...our last day of a long, much-needed break from work. Back to reality tomorrow.
Any patrons out there wanna adopt me?
Oh well...I’ll check back later.
Posted by Mickey Z. on from Astoria 01/02 at 01:14 PMI’d adopt you… but then who’d adopt me? It’s a cool post today, but disappointing to see that last photo cropped at eye-level.
I hope that John McCain changes his liberal ways soon, but I wonder if the guy who runs that website is aware that Geena Davis only plays a female president on tv.
Posted by James on from Hell's Kitchen 01/02 at 01:42 PMWell, still standing, still dry.
OK.
Now, I hear that there are injustices in the world - some of them, astonishing.
I feel I should help. What should I do?I’ve missed you guyz very much.
Interesting fellow, this Jorge P. Sousa.
He seems to appreciate Ronald Regan, and has a fetish for mansions in Newport.
Rhode Island is one of the roughest, most “get outa my face” working class, ethnically diverse places I’ve ever spent time in. And, Mr. Sousa chooses to appreciate the mansions…When in doubt, or deeply asleep, worship the rich.
I’m sure it’s a philosophy that has worked for our Mr. Sousa.Thanks for all the good wishes, Mr. Mudge, and Mr. Mickey. And, a huge hello to you and Frank, Mr. James… Great to be back. Where the hell is everyone? Let’s get crackin!
Captcha Word: congress. Yech.
Posted by joe on from Oregon 01/02 at 02:21 PMHey MZ, re that list of liberals - why not nominate yourself? Some people will look at these lists just for a laugh and to (I expect) approve most of the people there they don’t know of because of the ones they do! (some very distinguished company there!)
The right wing nuts won’t like you anyway.
So how about it? Or would you like me to - I can cheerfully point out your radical elements & they can foam at the mouth about how much they dislike guys like you. Remember the words of William Blake - “a fool’s rebuke is a kingly title”?
Posted by Chris Wood on from Manchester, England 01/02 at 03:24 PMJesus of Montreal i haven’t seen the movie either but the story sounds similar to Nikos Kazantzakis’ The Greek Passion. Great book. A brief synopsis can be found here: http://tinyurl.com/b2q9j
Joe, I’m glad you and your family are fine.
Posted by tm on from earth 01/02 at 03:38 PMThanks much, TM. And thanks for reminding me of Kazantzakis. I’ve read many excerpts of his work, over the years. Always searching, always struggling. He frequently reminded me of Hesse, but with more talent… though many may be offended by my drawing such a likeness. Reminds me of all the literature I wanted to wade into, but never did… Maybe we can include him in our list.
Hi Chris - Great Blake quote.
I knew a guy in Seattle who read him constantly. Blake was the real deal:
“I must create a system or be enslaved by another mans...”
I believe that this is where “we” are, now…
We have to re-write the past and re-envision the future. We need a completely new story of the ordinary folk…“The bird a nest, the spider a web, man friendship.”
This guy is a whole ocean of genius and wisdom… I’d forgotten how awed I once was by his immense heart. Thanks.
Posted by joe on from Oregon 01/02 at 04:06 PMJoe - totally with you on Blake. If I read him often I think I’d be talking to angels myself! A wonderful man & yes, I think what he says in your post applies today down the line - good one!
Posted by Chris Wood on from Manchester, England 01/02 at 04:13 PMOKay, Expendables. Please buzz some kind thoughts my way. No miracle has forthcome at this point. I’ve meditated and prayed and sacrificed...oops, wrong crowd for that statement...and generally asked myself and constituent elements, “What now?”
It looks as though I have a place to go for a week after the foreclosure sale and susbequent, inevitable, eviction. Puppies welcome there, too. My friend Tom is leaving for San Francisco on 1/10 and coming back on 1/17 so he said I could stay in his place.
My awful, reluctant conclusion is that I must, for some damn reason, need to go to California and help my sister care for out father...who is failing, though not dying, and needs help.
This is very, very hard for me. A lot harder than coming home to care for Mama, who actually performed the evil sexual abuse...she was nuts and never got help or even made room to acknowledge her OWN sexual abuse at her father’s hands. Can’t blame a crazy person for being crazy any more than you can blame an orange for giving orange juice.
My father, on the other hand, discussed my mother’s abuse of me with his second wife...she was yelling at him to wake up and see the signs, because her ex had done this to two of their daughters and she knew what to look for...sent me back after a Christmas visit, and justified it to my stepmother by saying, “the kid doesn’t want to stay here, his mother’ll make our lives hell on earth, and it’s just easier this way.” (My room was underneath theirs, and no one thought about volume, so these are paraphrases of conversations I overheard myself.)
I’ve always said I don’t want to be like my father, and yet I’ve been looking for the easy way out...not dealing with him, being angry (!) and never making an attempt of my own to fix it...I’ve behaved, in short, the way I resent him for behaving.
Well, it seems like it’s time to pay the piper. I sure as hell don’t want to, but this could be one of those cosmic THWACKs that indicate it’s time for a course correction.
DAMN, I hate California! I can’t abide my father! The only person I could realistically stay with is my right-wing sister and her smugly Christian husband, plus their menagerie of kids (two adults and one teen).
This is soooooooo not the easy way that I have a feeling that the Christian god is somewhere in a sky-corner giggling maniacally and sticking a few MORE pins in a voodoo doll of me. I have no idea if this is what will end up killing me, or what...but it’s the only way I have to resolve my immediate, practical issues that doesn’t have a huge red “X” on it for some excellent practical reason.
Good vibes, please, from all, because I admit right noe it just sucks to be me.
Captcha oracel = least! ROFL
Posted by Mudge on from Dear, dead Austin 01/02 at 04:16 PM‘The Age of the Lost Astonishment’ - you have hit the nail on the head again, Mickey! Same down under, where it matters not that our PM lied us into an illegal war in March 2003 and lied about many other things - he was re-elected in October 2005 with an increased majority and his coalition now controls both houses of parliament.
Oh, and hi to all of you expendables! It is 9:04 am on a Tuesday morning in Daylesford, Australia, and when I got up it was so chilly that I nearly put the heating on. Temperature forecast for today: 74 F.Posted by Helga Fremlin on from Daylesford, Australia 01/02 at 05:05 PMMudge, that’s a horrendous position to be in and my heart goes out to you. Surely you can see what a strong person you are for thinking so kindly, objectively & fruitfully (look at what you’re engaged in!) about this. Does that sound like you’re following a negative pattern?
Please be proud of yourself in this. This goes far off my scale but I can see what appalling ordeals must be represented in another of these aspects. Is the Christian god laughing at you? #### him. I’d like to think that if I were god, any story I wrote might have fewer holes in the plot for zealous people to get sour faced over.
Maybe some of Blake’s out of this world wisdom may help? I’m not entirely sure what, but curling up with the enlightened wisdom, lyrics & ravings of someone who makes far more sense than the Book of Revelations (with that whacky fire & brimstone ending, as Bill Hicks put it) may prove as some psychic ballast.
Posted by Chris Wood on from Manchester, England 01/02 at 05:11 PMAnd sorry to hear all the bad news, Mudge! I don’t really know how to comfort you .. Let’s hope you don’t end up having to stay with your right-wing sister and her family!
Posted by Helga Fremlin on from Daylesford, Australia 01/02 at 05:12 PMWow, Mudge - sorry to hear about all this. “Sorry,” is such an absurdly inadequate thing to offer, eh?
One day I hope I’ll be able to say: “Don’t worry at all, my friend. The community will help out till all is well again… then you can help the next folks...”
Of course, in our world, there IS no community.When my father was very ill, and sliding toward death, and again when my mother was very ill, I moved back into the house - at least throughout the night, and helped out as best I could. My relationship with my father was always strained, at best, but - he was my father. What else could I do? It was difficult and confusing and sometimes almost overwhelming when he was verbally abusive, or unable to grasp where he was, or what he was doing -
but, in retrospect, I’m glad I was there, and I’m glad I was able to help, in whatever small ways I could.I didn’t realize you were living so very close to the edge, Mudge. Dammit - I wish I had a big bunch of bucks to send your way. The “soul-less” seem always awash in money, while those who would be of help, have so little to share…
Well, I’ll send you a massive amount of good wishes, throughout the day, Mudge, and if there’s anything we down-and-outers can do to help, though from afar, we’ll certainly try. Please keep us informed. Even if we’re only able to help by listening… well, it’s something, I hope.
Hugs and hope, my friend…
Posted by joe on from Oregon 01/02 at 05:14 PMAnd best wishes from me, Mudge! Would send some money but we are short of it ourselves - Mr Helga is the sole breadwinner at the moment and he is self-employed, so the cash flow leaves much to be desired.
Re that ‘list of liberals’, Mickey - quite sickening!
Posted by Helga Fremlin on from Daylesford, Australia 01/02 at 05:26 PMHello from rainy Astoria to James, TM, Helga, Chris (sure, go nominate me), Joe (glad you’re safe and dry), and Mudge. What can we do to help, Mudge? Captcha sez “business,’ as in get down to.
Posted by Mickey Z. on from Astoria 01/02 at 05:56 PMMudge...It makes me very sad to know that you are going through all of this. No matter what happens during childhood, caring for parents is a noble act. I have a secret that I have not told anyone else. One of the many reasons that I talk and think about justice so much is because of some trauma in my own life. My Mother lost her home and was placed in a nursing home because I could not get down to Pennsylvania to help her. She was almost 90 years old and had fallen and broken her knee cap in a supermarket parking lot. As I was making preparations to go down and help her, I was nearly killed. My little car was rear-ended and totalled by a very large speeding dump truck. I was stopped in a line of traffic. The truck driver was looking out the side window of the truck at some pretty women in shorts. The truck was owned by the government. The government never replaced my car. There is a lot more to this story but the important point is, I understand and admire your decision.
Posted by RMJ on from Churchill 4 Prez Hdqts 01/02 at 07:46 PMWelcome back, Mickey - good to see you!
Hi Helga… tommorrow sounds chilly but sweet.
I’m ready for just such a day.
Maybe we’ll all stop over, later, for some gab and a relaxing beverage or two… Good to see you, too.
Chris, your posts are wonderful, as usual.
Now - we just have to see about our Mr. Mudge…
Just sent you a “double whammy” of good hope, Mudgster… More to follow.Posted by joe on from Oregon 01/02 at 07:47 PMGreetings,all. It seems that baby New Year has crapped his pants already.
Joe, I hope the worst is over for you and your community. I’m very happy that you’ve made it safely so far.
Mudge, as someone who has no experience with the circumstances you have overcome nor the ones you now face, I can only say that it appears you have done something right. Though I don’t really know you, it seems you are uniquely qualified to accept this challenge with grace and humaneness. No matter what happens it’s safe to say the respect you have from the Expendables will remain. Good luck.
Posted by Cart on from near Warshington DC 01/02 at 07:51 PMHi Mudge,
I’ve just tuned in and have read your post. I am very sorry, indeed, to read of your plight.
Don’t know what to say at this moment except to say that I, too, have experienced massive betrayal by my parents which led to mind-fucking abuse and I will think of something and be back later.In the meantime, see if you can rent Jesus of Montreal. I’m not kidding. It will explain a lot to you. I am sure it will resonate if I can use that NewAgey term. I was thinking of you when I posted last night about the film, no shit.
Also, are you familiar with these conditions:- Post traumatic Stress Disorder and more particularly Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD on crack!) plus Dissociative Identity Disorder?
I have these conditions and understanding them has helped me understand the past and have some peace about it. Also, the understanding has helped me avoid stepping in one pothole after another which is an occupational hazzard with these conditions. Do you feel like you’re always standing in a minefield with no map to where the mines are? Recognise this?You no doubt feel like a twig washed along in a raging river heading for the falls and unable to move towards the bank which appears tantalizingly close but forever out of reach.
I sincerely hope this is helpful and doesn’t sound trite. I will be thinking of you today and will be back later.
Hang in there.
JimPosted by Jim on from 01/02 at 08:32 PMG’night, all. Looks like this “year” is off to a blazing start, huh?
Posted by Mickey Z. on from Astoria 01/02 at 09:47 PMI just got home from a lovely treat...dinner with a writer friend...after selling fifteen boxes of books for a badly needed $148. I felt...lighter...as I watched my beloved books go back into the world. I still have zillions more, and there are just so many things it’s really worth holding onto in this world.
Y’all share your strength with me, whom you know slightly and should (by our perverted culture’s standards) care little for...and that act of rebellion by each of us Expendables is probably more damaging, more threatening, than any silly explosion.
We represent, my dears, the scariest kind of terrorist cell...the one that won’t think in lockstep.
RMJ, Joe, Cart, Chris, Helga, MZ, wonderful Jim...you’ve lightened my load, and that makes me grateful, and happy, and special. (In the good way.)
I thank you.
Posted by Mudge on from Dear, dead Austin 01/02 at 11:27 PMHey Mudge,
Really glad you’re feeling better.
Following are a few thoughts. I hope I am not out of line here!First up, I don’t know you from a bar of soap but you have told me a few things about yourself and from what I know about the effects from them, I can reasonably say the following:
You are a creative, strong and resourceful person. You would not be alive now if you weren’t. You are also compassionate and courageous. You would not be posting what you have if you weren’t. When the shit hits the fan, you are the sort of person many wish they were standing beside because you can operate under extreme stress; you’ve been doing it all your life.
I’m not blowing sunshine up you backside, Mudge, it’s just the way it is!
Offering the olive branch to your father is a fine thing to do. However, if you judge you have PTSD (and I can’t imagine there is any way you haven’t), then you need to consider carefully how you do it. One of the things the psychiatrist I see has taught me is that the single biggest factor in recovery is my physical environment i.e. one that has the least amount of triggers/reminders as possible. I doubt that will happen around your father and your sister (who - because you describe her as right wing - is probably in massive denial and will rather call you crazy rather than face her own truth) and you don’t need that, particularly now with all the other upsets.
You may want to take the opportunity, though, to change your physical location especially if you are still living in the same city as you were as a child - lots of physical reminders that may be stimulating a feeling of being trapped without you knowing it.
I know you haven’t asked for any of this but if you want some homework, you could do worse than look at these:-
DVD’s Jesus of Montreal and if you like music and celebrating the human spirit see “Concert for George"(Harrison) - outstanding!
Books - Trauma
Trauma and Recovery by Judith Hermans Md
Unchained Memories by Lenore Terr Md
And this internet link for tons of info
http://www.trauma-pages.com/
Philosophy
The Tao of Pooh and The Te of Piglet by Benjamin Hoffman (No, I’m not kidding!)
and anything about the concept of Wu Wei from Taoism.
Although I am a Christian, I can’t recommend any books as I have yet to read an author who “gets it”. I avoid churches for the same reason. If you want to read anything, stick to the Gospels especially John & Mathew Ch5,6&7 (Sermon On The Mount). Ghandi is reputed to have carried a copy of h chapters whenever he travelled. When asked if he was Christian, he replied “Christianity is a wonderful thing, but where would I find a Christian?”
Independence
Your Money or Your Life by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin. Highly, highly recommended to get out from under the economic control of others and have a life.
Please feel free to ask me questions or tell me to piss off either here or privately. I have left my email address with Mickey if you want it.When the world is throwing bricks at you, the best thing is to do is build a bar-b-que with them!
All the bloody best, Mate.
JimPosted by Jim on from 01/03 at 01:23 AM
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