Mickey Z

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.

When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don’t confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything’s gonna be all right.